"A prototypical routine for a perfect baby, age four to six months" - Excerpt from The Perfect Baby Handbook by Dale Hrabi

7:00 a.m. Baby wakes up.

7:01 a.m. Surveys her domain.

7:03 a.m. Notes that Exersaucer is dusty again.

7:04 a. m. Announces this news piercingly.

7:07 a.m. Enjoys day's first feeding; forgets Exersaucer crisis.

7:31 a m. Burps triumphantly.

7:32 a.m. Savours brisk lavender aromatherapy massage.

7:40 a.m. Endures diaper change by flipping through Bon Appétit.

7:45 a. m. Considers toy options.

7:48 a. m. Compresses Squeezy Snake while murmuring what sound like conjugations of the French verb peter (to fart).

7:50 a.m. Is interrupted by Daddy, who's off to work.

7:51 a.m. Cocks head at nautical motif on Dad's tie. Sailboats? Really? In midwinter?

7:52 a.m. Waves goodbye to Dad in adorably "feeble" manner. Throws in crying fit for free.

7:59 a.m. Pulls self together.

8:00 a.m. Indulges Mom's new fascination with the Turtle Tooter Shape Sorter.

8:08 a.m. Finds thoughts drifting to Martin Scorcese's early work.

8:14 a.m. Falls in and out of love with a key chain.

8:20 a.m. Baby Pilates (10 minutes).

8:30 a.m. Poking things (20 minutes).

8:50 a.m. Poking things that turn out to be Mom's eyes.

8:51 a.m. Rolls over.

9:01 a.m. Performs loose interpretation of the Bride's solo dance from Martha Graham's 1944 ballet Appalachian Spring.

9:10 a.m. Silent meditation (One minute).

9:11 a.m. Semi-silent meditation.

9:15 a.m. Meditative shrieking.

9:30 a.m. Second feeding.

10:00 a.m. Nap.

12:30 p.m. Wakes up; coughs discreetly.

12:33 p.m. Diaper change.

12:38 p.m. Declares that new diaper makes her look chunky.

12:40 p.m. Supervises alterations.

12:45 p.m. Third feeding.

1:20 p.m. Visits with dignitaries, heads of state or (on slow days) Mom's friend Rachel.

1:45 p.m. Perfects vacant facial expressions (10 minutes).

1:55 p.m. Sobs (15 minutes).

2:10 p.m. Power nap.

2:12 p.m. Reviews atomic structure of favorite amino acid.

2:27 p.m. Lollygags (Three minutes).

2:30 p.m. Meets with perfume experts re: development of signature scent.

3:00 p.m. Fourth feeding.

3:30 p.m. Nap.

5:20 p.m. Wakes up abruptly.

5:22 p.m. For disorienting moment, thinks she's trapped in the jungle in 'Nam.

5:23 p.m. Oh the filth, the baking sun, the stinking Vietcong with their foul--

5:25 p.m. Diaper change.

5:30 p.m. Fifth feeding.

6 p.m. Grasps concepts.

6:10 p.m. Does other things to concepts.

6:14 p.m. Decides not to be a lesbian. For now.

6:15 p.m. Romps! (8 minutes).

6:23 p.m. Prepares for Daddy's return by adjusting face into mournful expression.

6:25 p.m. Greets Daddy resentfully.

6:26 p.m. Fails to resist pleasure of being tickled by Daddy.

6:30 p.m. Reclaims her dignity.

6:32 p.m. Completes clapping class homework.

6:46 p.m. Drastic mood swings (14 minutes).

7:00 p.m. Sinks into soothing bubble bath.

7:01 p.m. Recalls with dismay the need to actually be washed.

7:03 p.m. Diversionary splashing.

7:30 p.m. Final diaper change.

7:36 p.m. Watches Daddy's lips move as he reads something educational aloud.

7:46 p.m. Interrupts to request Accuweather forecast.

7:50 p.m. Final feeding.

8:12 p.m. Burps national anthem.

8:15 p.m. Says good night to the stickers on nursery window.

8:16 p.m. Waves at parents.

8:20 p m. Effortlessly drifts to sleep.

8:37 p.m. Tormented by dreams of dusty Exersaucer.

8:40 p.m. Wakes up screaming.

8:43 p.m. Though still trembling, manages to execute a few soothing shadow puppets.

8:47 p.m. Drifts to sleep, this time for good; dreams of complex quilting patterns.

Excerpted from The Perfect Baby Handbook: A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents, by Dale Hrabi.