7:00 a.m. Baby wakes up.
7:01 a.m. Surveys her domain.
7:03 a.m. Notes that Exersaucer is dusty again.
7:04 a. m. Announces this news piercingly.
7:07 a.m. Enjoys day's first feeding; forgets Exersaucer crisis.
7:31 a m. Burps triumphantly.
7:32 a.m. Savours brisk lavender aromatherapy massage.
7:40 a.m. Endures diaper change by flipping through Bon Appétit.
7:45 a. m. Considers toy options.
7:48 a. m. Compresses Squeezy Snake while murmuring what sound like conjugations of the French verb peter (to fart).
7:50 a.m. Is interrupted by Daddy, who's off to work.
7:51 a.m. Cocks head at nautical motif on Dad's tie. Sailboats? Really? In midwinter?
7:52 a.m. Waves goodbye to Dad in adorably "feeble" manner. Throws in crying fit for free.
7:59 a.m. Pulls self together.
8:00 a.m. Indulges Mom's new fascination with the Turtle Tooter Shape Sorter.
8:08 a.m. Finds thoughts drifting to Martin Scorcese's early work.
8:14 a.m. Falls in and out of love with a key chain.
8:20 a.m. Baby Pilates (10 minutes).
8:30 a.m. Poking things (20 minutes).
8:50 a.m. Poking things that turn out to be Mom's eyes.
8:51 a.m. Rolls over.
9:01 a.m. Performs loose interpretation of the Bride's solo dance from Martha Graham's 1944 ballet Appalachian Spring.
9:10 a.m. Silent meditation (One minute).
9:11 a.m. Semi-silent meditation.
9:15 a.m. Meditative shrieking.
9:30 a.m. Second feeding.
10:00 a.m. Nap.
12:30 p.m. Wakes up; coughs discreetly.
12:33 p.m. Diaper change.
12:38 p.m. Declares that new diaper makes her look chunky.
12:40 p.m. Supervises alterations.
12:45 p.m. Third feeding.
1:20 p.m. Visits with dignitaries, heads of state or (on slow days) Mom's friend Rachel.
1:45 p.m. Perfects vacant facial expressions (10 minutes).
1:55 p.m. Sobs (15 minutes).
2:10 p.m. Power nap.
2:12 p.m. Reviews atomic structure of favorite amino acid.
2:27 p.m. Lollygags (Three minutes).
2:30 p.m. Meets with perfume experts re: development of signature scent.
3:00 p.m. Fourth feeding.
3:30 p.m. Nap.
5:20 p.m. Wakes up abruptly.
5:22 p.m. For disorienting moment, thinks she's trapped in the jungle in 'Nam.
5:23 p.m. Oh the filth, the baking sun, the stinking Vietcong with their foul--
5:25 p.m. Diaper change.
5:30 p.m. Fifth feeding.
6 p.m. Grasps concepts.
6:10 p.m. Does other things to concepts.
6:14 p.m. Decides not to be a lesbian. For now.
6:15 p.m. Romps! (8 minutes).
6:23 p.m. Prepares for Daddy's return by adjusting face into mournful expression.
6:25 p.m. Greets Daddy resentfully.
6:26 p.m. Fails to resist pleasure of being tickled by Daddy.
6:30 p.m. Reclaims her dignity.
6:32 p.m. Completes clapping class homework.
6:46 p.m. Drastic mood swings (14 minutes).
7:00 p.m. Sinks into soothing bubble bath.
7:01 p.m. Recalls with dismay the need to actually be washed.
7:03 p.m. Diversionary splashing.
7:30 p.m. Final diaper change.
7:36 p.m. Watches Daddy's lips move as he reads something educational aloud.
7:46 p.m. Interrupts to request Accuweather forecast.
7:50 p.m. Final feeding.
8:12 p.m. Burps national anthem.
8:15 p.m. Says good night to the stickers on nursery window.
8:16 p.m. Waves at parents.
8:20 p m. Effortlessly drifts to sleep.
8:37 p.m. Tormented by dreams of dusty Exersaucer.
8:40 p.m. Wakes up screaming.
8:43 p.m. Though still trembling, manages to execute a few soothing shadow puppets.
8:47 p.m. Drifts to sleep, this time for good; dreams of complex quilting patterns.
Excerpted from The Perfect Baby Handbook: A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents, by Dale Hrabi.
